Trump: Watch my language

By BRUCE LOWITT

President Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday designating English as the official language of the United States and bullshit as the official language of the White House.

“Lets face it, ninety-five percent of what I say is one hundred percent crap,” Trump said in an inadvertent moment of candor. “Greenland? The Gulf of America? Immigrant gold cards? Concentration camps? Do you think I really mean any of that stuff? I mean, come on! The only reason I say those things is because I don’t know shit about shit. … I don’t even know what I’m saying until my aides tell me later.”

He said if he’s asked about something he knows nothing about, “which, lets face it, is pretty much anything, I’ll just wing it. If it has to do with numbers, like the cost of food or how many illegals we’re rounding up and deporting, I’ll just pull something out of my ass,” Trump said. “Who’s going to dispute me on it? By the time the press gets around to the correct amounts the show’s over and I’ve moved on.”

Trump, whose pre-presidential life included fake bone spurs that kept him out of Vietnam, and six bankruptcies of hotels and casinos in New York and Atlantic City, admitted he thought Greenland was the thirty-six million square feet of lawn at Texas A&M University until Don Jr., returned from a hunting trip to Greenland and showed his father a picture of a polar bear he’d killed.

“Look,” the president said, “I don’t have to know about everything. I know about the Gulf. There’s a couple of their gas stations near Mar-a-Lago. Does it matter who started the war in Russia? If I say I’m not going to touch Social Security and Medicare and people believe it, is that my fault? Hey, if I’m being honest – okay, that’d be a first – I really don’t know anything about anything, but thankfully neither do the millions of idiots who worship me.”