By BRUCE LOWITT
When Sen. Mitch McConnell, R-Carapace, announced he wouldn’t seek reelection next year, numerous Republican legislators expressed surprise, saying they thought the former Kentucky coal miner had actually died last year.
McConnell used his 83rd birthday Thursday to reveal that he had, in fact, been alive for the 2024 campaign and election of President Donald Trump. But after calling him “a sleazeball,” “not very smart,” and a few other negative things, McConnell said he “decided to lay low and not piss off that fat narcissist because I didn’t want to get audited or have MAGA marauders or the FBI showing up at my doorstep.”
Sen. John Thune, R-Kapo, who took over as the Senate’s majority leader last year, said he was stunned to discover that his succession was based on McConnell’s decision to pass on the title and not that he had passed on.
“Those few times I saw him, I thought he was a statue placed in the well of the Senate to honor his decades of service,” Thune said. “I mean, he looked so lifelike and a couple of times I thought I saw some kind of motion, but I figured it was audio-animatronic, like those figures in Disney’s Hall of Presidents at the Magic Kingdom.”
Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-Shitkicker, admitted he also was astonished when told by Sen. Chuck Grassley, R-Cadaver, that McConnell was still alive. “Here I was, thinking that Chuck wasn’t the only dead senator still serving,” Graham said. “I guess I’ve got to start paying more attention to what goes on around here.”
Trump, vacationing in Sevastopol, told a reporter for Komsomolskaya Pravda he was “pretty sure Mitch was no longer among the living after my last few conversations with him. He’d just sit there and stare at me and no matter what I said he’d just kind of nod. If I’d known then that he was really alive I’d have appointed him Secretary of Somnambulism, whatever that is. Elon (Musk) suggested it.”
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