A dollar here, a dollar there

By BRUCE LOWITT

House Republicans released a budget resolution Wednesday calling for $100-trillion in tax cuts for people earning over $1-million, plus eliminating all military spending, shuttering a dozen federal agencies, increasing the debt ceiling by $50-trillion, and requiring all remaining federal employees to drive Teslas bought and paid for with profits from the government’s sale of national parks.

Additionally, as an obvious favor to President Donald Trump, the House voted to eliminate virtually the entire federal judiciary – all 94 district courts and 13 circuit courts. “I can’t tell you how many crooked activist judges are clogging up the system,” Trump said. “Really. I can’t. But Elon (Musk) tells me there’s a whole bunch.”

Only the U.S. Supreme Court will remain “and I’ll be able to go straight to it to have my … uh, I mean the justices deal with the more than fifty freaking lawsuits that sleazy lawyers are using to prevent Elon and me from firing millions and millions of lazy, corrupt workers.”

House Speaker Mike Johnson said the reduction of the Armed Forces “from roughly two million military personnel and three-quarters of a million civilians down to zero” was undertaken after a dubiously sober Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth insisted, “Nobody dies on my watch, especially not in the Mideast.”

Asked if he was referring to the Middle East rather than Delaware, Kentucky, Maryland and several other states, Hegseth said, “I know what I meant – Lebaruse, Iwant, Persia, Sortof Arabia … stop trying to confuse me.”

While the House is proposing one massive tax bill that no one can comprehend, Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-Doormat, said the upper chamber is working on a two-package approach. “The way I see it,” Graham said, “grift is one thing and graft is quite another, and if we can’t keep them apart, well, what the fuck? Y’know what I mean?”