By BRUCE LOWITT
President-elect Donald Trump said that as soon as the United States takes control of Greenland he will rename it “Redwhiteandblueland.” But Queen Margrethe II of Denmark, which controls Greenland, replied that “If Trump lays a finger on it, we and the rest of NATO will consider it an act of war and attack Mar-a-Lago.”
Trump has also said he wouldn’t rule out using military force to retake control of the Panama Canal, which the United States turned over to Panama on Dec. 31, 1999.
Panamanian President Jose Raul Mulino Quintero said that although his country doesn’t have a standing army, “our paramilitary security force could grab Trump Tower from that fat narcissist and his New York City cops in a heartbeat.”
While still 13 days away from returning to the presidency he lost to Joe Biden in 2016, Trump has been unable to restrain himself from acting like the dictator he said he’d become if he won the Nov. 5, 2024, election. He appeared at Tuesday’s announcement wearing epaulets and a bullet-filled bandolier over a gold toga, plus a laurel wreath and, inexplicably, a red tie down to his knees.
Trump threatened “very high Danish tariffs” if the Nordic nation resists his effort to take control of Greenland. “How do you think all those old ladies and snobs and the rest of them are going to react,” he growled, “when they find out the cheese danish that used to cost them four dollars is now triple the price?
“We need Greenland for national security purposes,” he said, mentioning Pituffik Space Base, 750 miles north of the Arctic Circle, while denying that his son has been visiting Greenland to scout out locations for a hotel and casino.
But Don Jr., exhibiting his typical idiocy after landing in Nuuk, Greenland’s capital, mused, “What do they call the people who live here? Nuukies? Hah-hah …”
After a moment of deafening silence, he asked, “Why do we need Pittyfuk … Puffytit … Pituffik – shit. I spit on myself every time I try to say it – when we have Houston and Cape Canaveral? Besides, who’s going to drive to the Arctic Circus to watch a rocket launch? And do they have elephants and clowns? My dad never took me when I was a kid, though I took Eric last week and he said it was his best day ever.”
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