The Gates of Hell Open for Gaetz

By BRUCE LOWITT

In a follow-up to his commuting the death sentences of 37 death-row prisoners, President Joe Biden issued an executive order declaring Matt Gaetz guilty of multiple felonies and sentencing the former Florida congressman to life in prison without the possibility of parole, conjugal visits, or premium toiletries.

The first presidential commutation of a death sentence since 2017 keeps three federal convicts, involved in cases of hate-motivated mass murder or terrorism, on death row, and, Biden said, “believe me, I gave some thought to adding Gaetz to that list. But I decided that permanently depriving him of Botox, hair gel, and teenage girls was sufficient punishment.”

According to a 42-page report released Monday by the House Ethics Committee on Gaetz, briefly President-elect Donald Trump’s choice for Attorney General, there was “substantial evidence that the former congressman from the most moronic state committed so many sexual crimes and other felonies that we don’t even know where to begin,” said Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, D-Unpregnant, “but we’ll try. Tee hee.”

The report from the Republican-led committee lists:

*From 2017-2020, “Gaetz regularly paid for regular and irregular sex with regular and irregular women, including a 17-year-old girl his parents had hired to babysit him while they were traveling throughout the Sunshine State, raising funds for either their son’s future presidential campaign, future bail, or renovations to their $2.7-million mansion in Seaside, Florida.”

*From 2017-2019, “Gaetz possessed various illegal drugs including smack, crack, crank, roofies, fentanyl, Ketamine, Mescaline, Angel Dust, and GHB, as well as cannabis and ayahuasca – and, for some unfathomable reason, a six-pack of Anheuser-Busch Natural Light.”

*From 2016-2024, “Gaetz violated House Rules, state and federal laws, international human rights laws, the Lacey Act of 1900, the Humane Slaughter Act of 1958, the Animal Welfare Act of 1966, the Endangered Species Act of 1973, and other standards of conduct prohibiting prostitution, statutory rape, cutting in line in the House cafeteria, necrocoitus, illicit drug use, jaywalking, acceptance of impermissible gifts, picking his nose, passing gas in public, and lasciviously leering at House Speaker Mike Johnson.”

Gaetz, who criticized the committee for releasing the report without giving him recourse to a courtroom “where I could present evidence, challenge witnesses, and throw a temper tantrum,” angrily responded to the list of charges, shouting, “I never used cannabis! Cannabis is for pussies!”