By BRUCE LOWITT
The convergence Thursday of Donald Trump ringing the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange within minutes of the President-elect being named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year resulted in a 49.73 percent decrease in the Dow Jones Industrial Average and worldwide chaos.
The 21,838.92-point crash, more than double the previous largest single-day drop in the Dow of 22.61 percent on Oct. 19, 1987, wiped out an estimated $26 trillion in value, bankrupting at least 37 countries, demolishing hundreds of U.S. corporations including the entire automobile, airline, and oil industries, and forcing the New York Mets to cancel outfielder Juan Soto’s $765-million contract.
“I warned (Time editor-in-chief) Sam Jacobs that he was flirting with disaster by making Trump his cover boy again,” said NYSE Chair Sharon Bowen. “No, let me be more precise. I told him, and I quote, ‘You make that narcissistic shithead Person of the Year and we’ll all be fucked.’ End quote.”
Jacobs, seen perched precariously atop a parapet on the roof of Time’s 44-story Liberty Street office tower in lower Manhattan, was unavailable for comment.
Trump blamed the Biden administration for the collapse of the U.S. economy. “If I’d have been allowed to put Scott Bessent, my nominee to run the Treasury Department, in office a week ago, none of this would have happened,” Trump said. “But there’s good stuff coming out of it, too. Like China.”
Among the worst-hit overseas nations was the People’s Republic of China, which had been secretly buying thousands of U.S. businesses and properties for the past decade and had converted most of its yuan renminbi currency into dollars. With the collapse of its economy, the PRC was left completely dependent on the sale of its slave-labor manufactured Trump bibles, hats, sneakers and other chazerai to remain afloat.
The volatility of the NYSE crash and similar reactions by most of the 59 other major global stock exchanges including those in London, Shanghai, Tokyo, Hong Kong, Toronto, and the NASDAQ, triggered vibrations that resulted in a one-degree shift in the Earth’s axis and a corresponding explosion of energy, causing unexpected and often unexplainable reactions in the Middle East, where Iraq declared war against Iran and Syria, which declared war against Hezbollah, which declared war against Hamas, which applied for NATO membership.
Israel bought military bases in Lithuania, Estonia, Latvia, Belarus, Azerbaijan, and Kazakhstan and told Russia,”אל תחשוב אפילו על לזיין עם אוקראינה יותר.” (“Don’t even think of fucking with Ukraine any more.”)
In the U.S., the Republican Party filed for financial and moral bankruptcy; Lara Trump demanded a divorce from Eric and declared her love for Kimberly Guilfoyle; Elon Musk admitted his Teslas were coal-powered; Marjorie Taylor Greene was ordained a rabbi at Temple Beth David in Rome, Georgia; Lauren Boebert joined the board of Everytown, and Sylvester Stallone bought the National Rifle Association and shuttered it.
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