Soto takes the money and runs

By BRUCE LOWITT

Juan Soto used the $765-million contract he signed with the Mets as collateral to buy the Miami Marlins on Monday, then engineered a trade of himself to the Florida team “because living in shithole New York for one year was long enough,” he said, “and who wants to pay state income taxes on three-quarters-of-a-billion dollars?”

“Besides,” the Dominican-born outfielder added, “this way I’ll be closer to Santo Domingo any time I want to take some time off to visit my parents and get some of my mother’s home cooking.”

Because Major League Baseball prohibits a player on one team from having a financial interest in another one, the Mets were ordered by Commissioner Rob Manfred to release Soto. Instead, they traded him to Miami for its entire big-league roster.

Soto said this year’s Marlins would be made up of players from their Triple-A Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp and Double-A Pensacola Blue Wahoos farm teams “and any major leaguers who think they retired a little too soon or wish the Senior League was still around. I think we can make a run at the (2024 Chicago White Sox 41-121) record if we’re lucky.”

The Marlins were 62-100 in 2024, last in the National League’s East Division, and were next-to-last in Major League attendance, drawing fewer fans than Miami’s NFL, NBA, NHL teams, jai alai, roller derby, demolition derby, parasailing, axe-throwing, mud-wrestling, Døds, cocaine deals, and funeral corteges.

Bruce Sherman purchased the Marlins in 2017 for $1.2-billion. “When I was a kid I dreamed of owning a baseball team,” he said. “Then again, I also dreamed of being a cowboy or an astronaut. Shows what a little schmuck I was, growing up in New York City.”

Today the Marlins are the least-valuable Major League Baseball franchise at $990-million. It has lost money every year since Sherman bought it. “I figured it was time to stop the bleeding before I blew all of my daughters’ bat mitzvah money,” he said.

Hall-of-Famer Derek Jeter, an original minority investor in Sherman’s group, quit as CEO in 2022 and sold his share of the franchise. “That shows what a little schmuck I was when I bought into this mess,” Jeter said in a statement. “At least none of my daughters is going to have a bats mittsvah. What the hell are bats mittsvahs anyway? A Jewish baseball thing?”