By BRUCE LOWITT
A not-entirely-accurate transcription of e-mails and texts received from presidential and congressional candidates during the past week, as Election Day approaches. The political parties are not identified although anyone with half a brain can probably discern which is which.
NOTE: Robert F. Kennedy Jr. may not be able to discern which is which, depending on what percentage of his brain remains uneaten by the parasite he named Lowly Worm to honor the children’s book by Richard Scarry, which he reads every night before bedtime.
PLEASE HELP! My campaign is being outspent by $47-million by my vicious, lying, backstabbing opponent and only you can save us from calamity by immediately donating ( ) $5, ( ) $10, ( ) $100, ( ) $1,000, ( ) $1,000,000, ( ) other (check one) in order to defeat that fascist pedophile and his extremist megadonors.
THIS IS THE LAST TIME I WILL ASK: I know I said that in my previous seventy-two e-mails and forty-eight texts to you, but this time I really mean it. Since I haven’t heard back from you I must assume you think you have more important matters to deal with but YOU ARE WRONG! I promise to stop asking for money as soon as I win my election, unless I decide two or four or six years from now to run for re-election or for a different office.
HERMAN POTRZEBIE HERE, retired private first class, now with Veterans For Anything. You’ve heard what generals and admirals have had to say about our politicians. Now it’s time for us enlisted men and women to have our say. But we don’t have the clout to make ourselves heard. So add your name to http://gruntsbitching.org and fill in your SSN, DOB, and bank account and routing numbers and support those of us against or for abortions, the economy, migrants or anything else.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND: That’s what I called you the last time I asked you to support my desperate plea to remain in office, but I still haven’t seen a dime from you. Please donate so I can continue to fight for legislation you favor, continue to fight against positions you oppose, or continue to fight anybody who tries to investigate me.
BREAKING NEWS FROM (fill in your favorite news source): This is alarming. Until last week my campaign was leading in the most respected polls by 0.4 percent, but after a huge infusion of dirty money from tax-evading billionaires, I find myself trailing by 0.3 percent. That’s why it’s critical that you send me $5, so I can pull back ahead and then ask you for more later, when I say that only you can help me avert a recount.
I’M ON MY HANDS AND KNEES: Normally I’d tell you I’m begging for as much as you can contribute to my campaign, but I’m past that. Obviously begging for your support hasn’t helped, so as long as I’m down here, how’s about some oral in exchange for a few bucks? Sign on to http://desperateforcash.gov and include an unretouched photo of your junk and I (or one of my aides) will arrange a meeting.
lowittlowdown 