By BRUCE LOWITT
Speaker Mike Johnson said he canceled the rest of the House Republican Conference’s retreat Thursday morning, the second of the scheduled three days, because “the few people who showed up despised each other. And besides, nobody was listening to me.”
“Why should we?” Rep. Matt Gaetz, R-Pomade, said in a telephone interview from Las Vegas. “I can’t believe we chose that pussy to lead us. And then he picked some place where the biggest thing going is the annual Dandelion Festival? Well whoop-fucking-whee! Besides, these grope events … er, group events are never as much fun as they sound; way too many guys.”
Johnson, R-Weasel, chose the Greenbrier Resort, owned by West Virginia Gov. Jim Justice, a close friend who raised a reported $1.2-million for Johnson’s successful first congressional campaign in 2016.
Republicans wanted to assemble again in Florida, the location of previous retreats, but Johnson said he selected Greenbrier in White Sulphur Springs, West Virginia, because it was “family friendly.”
“Yeah, like the Manson Family,” Rep. Lauren Boebert, R-Groper, snapped. “Fuck family. Mike just wants to make sure that 17-year-old kid of his doesn’t get any text notices on his cellphone when daddy does something naughty.
“Besides,” Boebert added, “what about us adults? Screw West Virginia. Florida’s great. It’s where I was born and where I got laid. A lot. I could use a good screwing right now, if you know what I mean.”
Meanwhile, most of the representatives’ families among the several dozen who decided to attend e-mailed Johnson that they couldn’t stand each other, that they were going home and that their spouses had better join them if they knew what was good for them.
Even Fox Business host Larry Kudlow, the keynote speaker for the event, bailed at the last minute. “For one thing, not even my network gave a shit about covering this giant hand job of a boondoggle,” he said. “And second, I’m not excited about talking to mostly empty rooms.”
“Also, I’m really not excited about talking to that weak-kneed clown who replaced (Kevin) McCarthy,” Kudlow added. “Johnson says no one listens to him? Well, I’m in the same freakin’ boat.”
Rep. Erin Houchin, R-Newbie, attending her first House retreat, said it probably would be her last “because I got sick of (Jim) Jordan and some of those other old bastards trying to cop a feel when they thought no one was looking.”
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