By BRUCE LOWITT
Dan Snyder, professional putz and former owner of the Washington Commanders, made a surprise $250-million offer to buy the suddenly-available naming rights to the NFL team’s stadium, causing a stampede of season-ticket holders demanding refunds.
“I can’t give you an exact number because the line outside our office is about a mile long,” Tonya Hill, the team’s administrative officer, said Friday. “Plus our phone system crashed from the overload of angry calls.
“When Snyder sold the team last year we thought we were finished with that scumbag,” she said, “but the stench remains, and if he even puts his name on our toilets it’s going to drive I can’t tell you how many of our fans half an hour up the road to root for the (Baltimore) Ravens.”
Hill said a “rough estimate” of the fans showing up or calling to cancel their season tickets was “somewhere in the neighborhood of seventy-two thousand – weird since our seating capacity is under sixty-seven thousand and we averaged sixty-four thousand fans (27th in the league) last year.
“Near as I can tell, this means around eight thousand fans who hated Snyder and never bought tickets are telling us they want us to pay them so they never will,” Hill said. “And from what I hear, our Hogs Haven fans have put together a GoFundMe to try and outbid him.”
FedEx, which paid $205-million in 1999 to put its name on the stadium, ended the agreement two years early this week. “Nobody in Washington or Maryland or Virginia wants us to ship their shit because of our connection with this loser of a team,” Jenny Robertson, FedEx’s vice president of marketing, said. “DHL, UPS, even the freaking Post Office, they’re all beating the crap out of us.”
Snyder bought the team and FedEx Field for $800-million in 1999 when it was known as the Redskins. He sold them both for $6.05-billion after years of personal scandals including workplace sexual harassment, cooking the books, gathering “dirt” on other NFL owners, and insisting he’d never change the team’s racist nickname.
“Well, I’m back, baby, and it’s going to cost me less than five percent of that six billion to let everyone around here know it,” he said. “They’re going to see Snyder Stadium in big bright neon lighting up the sky. Or better yet, maybe I’ll just call it FuckYou Field.”
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