Courtship on the rocks

By BRUCE LOWITT

According to a handwritten note from Colorado Supreme Court Justice Monica Marquez to the court’s six other judges, former president Donald Trump “shouldn’t be allowed within one thousand feet of a public school, much less on an election ballot.”

Marquez, whose note was found on the floor next to the court’s paper shredder, was one of four justices who ruled Trump ineligible to run for the White House and should be removed from Colorado’s primary ballot because of his role in the insurrectionists’ 2021 assault on the Capitol.

Speaking for the 4-3 majority, Marquez wrote that “We are mindful of the magnitude and weight of the questions before us, but we also are mindful of the magnitude of the former president’s comments about pussies, vermin, and all the rest of the shit he’s been spewing, not to mention the magnitude and weight of his ass.”

Chief Justice Brian Boatright, in one of the court’s three dissenting opinions, wrote that “I can’t stand that fat clown either and normally I’d vote with the majority. But since the United States Supreme Court is likely to overrule, us I believe it is my best interest to not piss him off and maybe someday get nominated to it.”

Meanwhile, in Washington, D.C., a brawl broke out as Supreme Court justices fought over whether to hear the appeal.

Justices Elena Kagan, Sonia Sotomayor and Ketanji Brown Jackson reportedly were winning the battle by using a combination of logic, unknown to the conservative majority, and tactics such as “Your shoelace is untied,” according to Adam Steene, clerking for Chief Justice John Roberts.

“It’s close,” Steene said, “but the gals gained a decided edge when Kagan told Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito, and Brett Kavanaugh, ‘If you don’t know by now …’ and then stared at them. The three men were clearly befuddled and didn’t know how to respond. Also, when Sotomayor countered Amy Coney Barrett’s argument with ‘What do you know? You’re just a child,’ Coney Barrett ran off crying.”