By BRUCE LOWITT
Despite authoring forty bills and resolutions, all of which died in committee without receiving a single vote during his 328 days representing New York’s Third Congresional District in Congress, Rep. George Santos managed to leave behind a paper trail unlike any ever seen in the history of the U.S. Capitol
Santos, previously R-Dissolute, was expelled from the House of Representatives on December 1 for, among other things, fabricating his resume and just about everything else he claims to have done in life, misappropriating hundreds of thousands of dollars, committing wire fraud, money laundering, lying, carrying an unidentified baby without explanation, stealing Amish puppies and farm animals, making even the expensive clothes he wore look cheap, and generally sounding like a Xanax-overdosed moron.
Of the forty bills he introduced, he managed to get only one co-sponsor for just one of them. Rep. Paul Gosar, R-Outlier, signed on to his Defund the CCP (Chinese Communist Party) on Campus Act of 2023, which then-Speaker Kevin McCarthy, R-Vacate, assigned to the House Committee on Egregious Shit. It was eventually discovered in an unflushed toilet in the House Men’s Room, reportedly covered in egregious shit.
Among the other bills Santos wrote were the Stop Raising the Drawbridge Near My House in Queens When I’m Driving Act of 2023, the Stop Chasing Me All The Time With Cameras And Microphones When I Haven’t Done Anything Wrong Act of 2023, the Publicize Everyone’s Passwords, First Pet’s Names And First Car They Drove Act of 2023, the Free Lifetime Botox Supply And OnlyFans Membership For Every American Act of 2023, and the George Santos is Absolved of Anything Involving Brazil Or Anyplace Else Act of 2023.
“I think that despite the constant gathering of shrieking, torch-bearing constituents who surrounded my apartment when I went home,” Santos said, “I might have been a far more effective representative for my people if I had been named to more influential House committees than the Committee on Horn Rimmed Glasses and the Committee on Pouring Nuclear Waste into New York’s Third Congressional District.”
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