Dignified Republicans? A tough act

By BRUCE LOWITT

The Freedom Caucus, tired of being considered a disorganized mob of malcontents as they battle the rest of the Republican Party as well as Democrats, is seeking actors and directors to make the GOP’s right-wingers seem more reasonable and less like the pack of howling hyenas they are.
“I sit at my desk and listen to these smucks – Do any of you speak Jewish? Is that the right word, smucks? – bringing the government to a screeching halt while screaming and whining about shit that makes no sense. And they expect me to get things done?” House Speaker Kevin McCarthy groaned.

“I mean, these are the same people who hamstrung me with so many demands when I ran for the speakership that I can’t even dress myself in the morning without Lauren Boebert bitching that I’m wearing the wrong tie. And Matt Gaetz; how the fuck is that asshole not in jail instead of acting like an asshole in Congress?”

The Freedom Caucus decided to try to hire what McCarthy, R-Sellout, called “professionals with a modicum of talent and dignity” to teach its members how to behave in front of reporters and television cameras and even during debates on the House floor or in committee meetings.

“Until the writers’ strike is over, we’re offering a pitiful wage to any out-of-work TV or movie people who know how to put together speeches that’ll make us sound like reasonably human people who can act like we actually know a single thing about the bills we’re voting on,” Rep. Jim Jordan, R-Whiteshirt, said, but so far there have been no takers.

“Writing for Laura Ingraham is one thing,” said one striking writer who spoke on condition of anonymity, “but selling our souls is another matter entirely.”

Rep. Scott Perry, R-Blackleg, chairman of the Freedom Caucus, has so far managed to persuade only Scott Baio to come to Washington and train some of the GOP’s more recalcitrant legislators to dial back their more repulsive behavior.

“The way I figure it,” Perry said, “he could use the job and the publicity because in the past thirty years since Happy Days and Charles in Charge went off the air ‘Chachi’ hasn’t done anything productive. Sort of like us.”

Baio said he was “delighted to come to Washington. I mean, it gets me out of Florida. I just moved us there after 45 years in California and already my wife Renee is asking me, ‘What the hell were you thinking?’”

Perry, taking time out from his efforts to stymie investigations into former president Donald Trump’s election malfeasance and to block any immigrants from entering the Western Hemisphere, said he had met with actors and directors Chuck Norris, Quentin Tarantino, Audra McDonald, Martin Scorsese, Mel Gibson, Steven Spielberg, Idina Menzel, Clint Eastwood, Francis Ford Coppola Patti LuPone and Hugh Jackman, none of whom would agree to tutor representatives after viewing videos of several of them giving press conferences.

LuPone said she was talking with Rep. Andrew Clyde, R-Ammo, “and he said something that sounded like he wanted to show me amore. I thought it was charming until he showed me a brochure of his store. It’s an armory! He’s a gun nut and there’s no way in hell I’m going to work with a guy who tells me his two closest friends are Smith and Wesson.”

“Are you freaking kidding me,” a stunned Tarantino said after watching five minutes of Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Douche. “Sure, I made Reservoir Dogs, but with a toilet mouth like that her nickname should be Saniflo. I couldn’t direct her if I had a whip and a chair.”