The 2023 Odyssey of Tom Brady

By BRUCE LOWITT

INDIAN CREEK ISLAND, Fla., Jan. 1, 2024 – Tom Brady’s roller-coaster offseason and 2023 football season has finally rolled to a stop after the greatest quarterback ever was unable to jump start several new careers and rejected, or was rejected by, several NFL teams.

What began as a promising second career as the wildly overpaid FOX broadcaster for NFL games came to an explosive end early in the network’s coverage of the Jan. 29, 2023, NFC Championship when Brady, in his debut with the network, went ballistic over the play-calling of 49ers coach Kyle Shanahan.

“Holy s—!” Brady screamed seven minutes into the game when quarterback Brock Purdy threw a pass that gained one yard. “How the f— can Kyle call Scatter to West Right Tight F Left 372 Y Stick Z Spot? Anybody with half a brain knows you’ve got to go with Zebra Trojan Far West Right Slot X Short 200 Jet Smoke X Choice! Do that and you’re in the f—ing end zone! I thought he was supposed to be a f—ing offensive genius!”

When Brady asked about working the Super Bowl, FOX President Mark Silverman told him, “F— off!”

In February, Brady met with Tampa Bay Buccaneers general manager Jason Licht when team co-owner Darcie Glazer Kassewitz insisted on bringing him back for one more season.

“I’m in charge of the Buccaneers’ forward-thinking fan engagement and retail activation,” Kassewitz said, “and I can guarantee you nobody down here is going to be buying Kyle Trask or Blaine Gabbert jerseys – or tickets, for that matter. We can still market him.”

But during the negotiations with Licht, Brady insisted the Bucs deal all their draft choices to teams willing to trade top-of-the-line offensive linemen. Co-owners Brian, Joel and Edward Glazer over-ruled their sister, agreeing instead to immediately issue a Buccaneers line of Brady Hall of Fame jerseys, hoodies, caps, clogs, backpacks, mugs, keychains, bracelets, refrigerator magnets and other tchotchkes.

Brady said he also considered various offers from other NFL franchises, none of which he accepted.

With the retirement of quarterback Aaron Rodgers, the Packers offered Brady a one-year contract, both to play and to tutor heir-apparent Jordan Love, their 2020 first-round draft choice. “Good team,” Brady said, “but Green Bay? S—hole city. Same with Houston unless you like being trapped in rush-hour traffic. Same with Washington (D.C.) unless you’re into harassing cheerleaders.”

Brady said he spoke briefly with Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross “but the second question he asked me was, ‘How do you feel about concussions?’ So I cut that short.” Oak–, I mean Las Vegas interested me until I realized they’re the Tampa Bay of the AFC West. Crappy defense, bad O-line. No thank you.”

The last week in March, Brady flew to the Dominican Republic and asked for a tryout with the PGA a couple of days before the Corales Puntacana Championship. Although Brady’s handicap is close to single digits, South Florida PGA Director of Rules & Competitions Brett Graf offered to find him a place in the field, then withdrew it after Brady blew his stack when Graf said he couldn’t wear shorts on the tour.

While he was in Las Vegas, Brady spent a few nights at shows on the Strip “and thought I might try showbiz. Dumb. Stupid move. Carrot Top said he needed a night off. I took the gig at the Luxor. Bombed. Booed off the stage. Sounded like the end of a Bucs game. Tore up an ankle trying out for Cirque du Soleil at the Bellagio. And you know who said I can’t sing worth a damn? Wayne Freakin’ Newton!”

During the late summer and early autumn, when he turned 46, Brady, possibly missing former wife Gisele Bundchen, tried to hook up with supermodels Lily-Rose Melody Depp, Kaia Jordan Gerber and Jade Weber. They all turned him down because, as Depp said, “we were such big fans of Gisele when we were in grade school.”

Despite several NFL teams needing quarterbacks due to injury or lousy play during the 2023 season, Brady’s phone never rang, except from sports writers and broadcasters asking about his future – to which he would routinely reply, as he had on his podcast last January, “If I knew what I was gonna f—ing do, I would’ve f—ing done it.”

He spent November in Florida, trying to establish himself as captain of a party boat, the Belly Check, but lost customers when he declined to re-enact his throwing of the Lombardi Trophy. He sold the boat in December after Rob Gronkowski said he wouldn’t sign on as first mate.