Committees that should be committed

By BRUCE LOWITT

Kevin McCarthy and his fellow travelers in the House of Representatives have established the No Ways and By No Means Committee, Homeland Insecurity Committee, Re-Education Committee and more than a dozen others, furthering the Republicans’ goal of becoming the party of rich white males.

“We don’t just want to refuse to raise the debt ceiling, increase interest rates, cut Social Security, Medicare and taxes for the wealthiest, destroy the economy for the middle class, cause a massive recession, maybe even a full-blown depression, and blame the ensuing disaster on President Biden and the Democrat Party when the 2024 elections roll around,” McCarthy, R-Unconscience, said. “That’s only some of our objectives.”

In announcing the additional committees, some of which will replace existing ones – Natural Resources will become the Strip-Mining & Fracking Committee, Misappropriations will replace Appropriations – and the dissolution of the Ethics Committee (“Who needs it? We never do anything wrong,” the soon-to-be-former-Speaker of the House said), he also assigned chairmanships to the blackmailers who forced him to give up everything but his children in order to win the toy gavel symbolizing some sort of say in how the House works.

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Psychopath, who has promised to investigate everything but her own sanity, will chair the Select Committee on the Strategic Cooperation between the United States and Fidesz, and the Committee to Develop Antisemitic Space Lasers.

Rep. Matt Gaetz, R-Pompadour, will head the Committee of Underage Children and Families (the so-called Hastert Committee), as well as the Committee on Governmental Illicit Affairs; Rep. Louie Gohmert, R-Slackjaw, will lead the Committee on Uneducation; and Rep. Michael McCaul, R-Viscous, will chair Fracking and Strip-Mining.

Also, Rep. Lauren Boebert, R-Unscrewed, will be leader of the Committee on Weaponry and Lavatories; and Jim Jordan, R-Flamethrower, already a member of the House Oversight Committee, also is chair of the new House Committee to Investigate Everything Hunter Biden Ever Did, Is Doing, Will Do, Bought, Thought, Owned, Sold, Borrowed, Rented or Said.

Further, McCarthy, rewarding newly elected and deservedly embarrassed inveterate liar George Santos, R-Brazil, named him Official Spokesman of the House, in charge of answering all questions about the GOP’s policies, past, present and future.

And Santos, issuing his first statement in his new role, paraphrased and essentially confirmed what White House aide Andrew Bates recently told Politico.

“An unprecedented tax hike on the middle class and a national abortion ban are just a glimpse of what we’re all about and what Speaker McCarthy has promised,” Santos said. “And did I mention he wants to get Peter Theil and Tucker Carlson to head the Republican ticket for president and vice president next year?”