Transcript of a surreptitiously recorded conversation among United States Supreme Court justices following the announcement by the court that it was unable to determine who leaked a draft of the opinion overturning Roe v. Wade, the 1973 decision that had established a constitutional right to abortion.
“… (unintelligible) never said I wouldn’t like a good spanking once in a while.”
Elena Kagan: “Oh, for goodness sake, Clarence. Would you stop harping on what’s missing in your life?”
Clarence Thomas: “Well, I’m just sayin’. ”
Samuel Alito Jr.: “Yeah, well you’ve been ‘just saying’ for like seventeen years since I’ve been sitting next to you and I think you’ve made your point. Besides, we’ve got more important things to deal with than your ass. Now how’s about we get this last case decided and then talk about the shitstorm that’s about to hit us over this Dobbs-overturning-Roe business.”
Brett Kavanaugh: “What’s Dobbs?”
John Roberts Jr.: “Jesus, don’t you read? It’s the Mississippi suit banning abortion because ‘Almighty God is the author of life.’ Really blurs the state-versus-religion line.”
Neil Gorsuch: “Never mind that. What case did you want to discuss, Sam?”
Roberts: “Bush v Beaver.”
Kavanaugh: (Unintelligible giggling).
Roberts: “What’s so funny, Beer Boy?”
Kavanaugh: “Bush. Beaver. Oh, god. It’s like I’m back at the DKE house at Yale. Did I ever tell …”
Alito: “Shut up, potty mouth. This is serious. Sophia Bush has filed suit against Beaver County, Oklahoma, which is trying to deny women and minorities the vote. Now we’ve all heard the arguments, so let’s vote:
Roberts
“Beaver County”
Thomas
“Beaver County”
Sotomayor
“Bush”
Kagan
“Bush”
Gorsuch
“Beaver County”
Kavanaugh
“Be- Be-Be-… Oh, god.”
Barrett
“Beaver County”
Thomas
Beaver County”
Jackson
“Sophia Bush”
Alito: “… and I’m voting for Beaver County. So the vote is seven to three for-. Wait a minute. That’s ten. How did … Ginny? What the hell are you doing here?”
Virginia Thomas: “Clarie invited me in and, well, I got carried away. Sorry. Leaving. See you at home, Tushie-man.” (Sound of door opening and closing.)
Roberts: “Okay. Now let’s talk about Roe. Who here has not been interviewed by Gail Curley or anyone from her marshal’s office? Everybody. How about your spouses? Everybody. Good. Nobody’s been interviewed. So they can’t lay this leak on any of us, right?”
Jackson: “Wait a minute. Curley ovesees the running of this building and the motor pool and who sits where. She doesn’t know about investigating. Why’d you give her the job? Why didn’t you ask the Justice Dep- …”
Roberts: “How long have you been on this court?”
“Jackson: “That’s not …”
Roberts: “I don’t want to hear …”
Sotomayor: “And why weren’t we questioned? Sam, you and Martha-Ann had dinner at your home with anti-Roe people who got advance word of another court decision then. Why didn’t …”
Alito: “I don’t talk about what we say around the dinner table.”
Sotomayor: “John, everybody who works here and did get questioned were told they could get fired if they lied. We can’t get fired even if one of us does lie.”
Roberts: “So?”
Sotomayor: “Oh, come on, John.”
Roberts: “Do you think some of us would have taken this job if we could get canned? Would Sam? Hell, Clarence and Brett wouldn’t have gotten here if they didn’t lie to Congress. Am I right, Beer Boy?”
Kavanaugh: “Am I under oath here?”
Kagan: “John, you blamed the leak on opponents of the decision to overturn Roe. Oh, please. Anyone with half a brain knows it was leaked so Sam, who wrote the decision, could lock in the rest of the votes on his side.”
Alito: “Prove it, Elena.”
Sotomayor: “Sam, you sound like a crook who knows he’s been caught and is trying to weasel…”
Alito: “Enough! Some people here are cruisin’ for a bruisin’ and I have to do some work on revising some Constitutional amendments, namely the fourteenth, fifteenth and nineteeth. John, can we end this kangaroo court before I … ?”
Roberts: “Everybody. Out.”
(Transcript ends)
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