By BRUCE LOWITT
Today they’re the Commanders. But if Gen. Mark A. Milley gets his way, Washington’s troubled National Football League franchise will be busted out of the officer corps and down to Seamen, one of the lowest ranks among the U.S. military’s enlisted personnel.
“Think about it,” said Milley, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and principal military advisor to President Joe Biden. “I’m sure they love being called Commanders. How do you think they’ll like being called Seamen?” And failing to suppress a giggle, he added, “Like they’re a wet smear on a bedsheet. Have fun living that down, gentlemen.
“Further, I’m thinking of taking Dan Snyder, who owns that team and both created and perpetuated the toxic workplace that pervades it, and assigning him to clean all the latrines in FedEx Field,” Milley said.
According to a year-long investigation by the House Committee on Oversight and Underwear, Snyder, other team executives and NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell “suppressed evidence of sexual harrassment of more than a dozen women who worked for the team as well as evidence of sexual repression of men in the front office who felt guilty after playing with themselves during lunch and repeatedly denied that their parents ever engaged in coitus.”
The committee also said that when it tried to investigate the team’s conduct, the league, working closely with the Commanders, refused to produce more than 40,000 documents including audition videos and photographs of cheerleaders.
Milley said he also was considering taking action against Goodell, “reducing his rank to Non-Commissioner. It’s the closest I can get to busting him down to an NCO.”
Biden, asked what he thought of the team given his title of Commander in Chief, grimaced.
“Don’t call me that,” the president said. “I want nothing to do with that operation. I know there’s a fine bunch of men over there, strong men, big men, fast men, wearing those uniforms, but I don’t know what’s wrong with the grey flannel suits giving the orders and deciding how to run a business and nobody in those offices with an hourly wage is happy and the guys at the top are making money, like my mother used to say, ‘hand over teakettle,’ and the money’s not important because as my dad used to tell me, ‘Joey, a business is about a lot more than a paycheck. It’s more than just about dignity. It’s about covering the spread.’ And I tell you, Scat and Buzzer and the rest of the guys I used to run with back in Wilmington, they’ll tell you I never took take any guff from anyone and I haven’t changed my spots and that’s why I guarantee you Mr. Putin’s going to lose this war. What was the question?”
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