By BRUCE LOWITT
In the wake of strong criticism and widespread confusion, the National Football League has changed its concussion protocol in order to avoid any liability by laying blame solely on medical personnel who make the calls.
Additionally, the controversial roughing-the-passer penalty has been revised to further protect starting quarterbacks over the age of 40 who have won at least five Super Bowls.
“Previously, a defender was not allowed to use his helmet or facemask to hit a passer or to use his hands, arms or other parts of the body to hit a passer in the head or neck area, or to forcibly hit in in the knee area or below,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said. “Henceforth, defenders playing against specified quarterbacks will be prohibited from hitting him anywhere except – how do I say this? – gently on the, uh, tush.
“We feel that these changes will guarantee that players who feel they may have been injured as a result of our on-field officials or heavily vetted neurologists failing to notice their lack of conciousness or rearranged bone structure will have no recourse when it comes to considering litigation.”
The league said it was adding the term “ataxia” to its concussion protocol, meaning “abnormality of balance/stability, motor coordination or dysfunctional speech” – but which Goodell said he thought meant calling a cab to remove an injured player from the field.
“If the doctor says ataxia is present we’ll pay for the player’s ride to the sideline medical tent,” the commissioner said, “but if he wants the cab to take him to a hospital, that’s on him.”
When Tua Tagovailoa staggered off the field after his head hit the turf hard in a Sept. 25 game against Buffalo, the since-fired Unaffiliated Neurotrama Consultant (UNC), Seymour “Bagabones” Jones, said he examined the Miami quarterback and accepted his explanation that he had hurt his back and was not concussed.
“What he told me was, ‘O fea a’u? O ai a’u? O ai oe? Va’ai i fetu uma.’ He was telling me in perfect Samoan that he felt fine,” Jones said. A recording of the conversation later revealed that Tagovailoa had said, “Where am I? Who am I? Who are you? Look at all the stars.”
The NFL acknowledged last week that Jones, who had claimed he earned his Neurotrauma Fellowship at the University of Washington’s Department of Neurological Surgery, was actually the understudy for the character of Hawkeye Pierce in a Walla Walla Community Playhouse production of M*A*S*H.
According to the league’s updated Concussion Protocol, a player must be removed from the game if he appears woozy, tipsy, wobbly, punchy, bemused, confused, slaphappy, bewitched, bothered or bewildered or if said signs are spotted by a team’s athletic trainer, doctor, coach, teammate, game official, sideline or booth UNC, opposing head coach, radio or television broadcaster, public address announcer, usher, cheerleader, or vendor.
“Wait. What?” Goodell said. “I’m confused.”
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