Marjorie Taylor Greene’s plan: A very unregulated militia

By BRUCE LOWITT

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Ammo, who recently discovered that her parents mixed gunpowder into her Pablum when she was an infant, has introduced legislation to, as she put it, “update the Second Amendment.”

In fact, she is proposing a 28^th Amendment to replace the Second Amendment and has submitted a brief to the U.S. Supreme Court demanding that Congress be allowed to vote it into effect rather than “bothering with the messiness,” she said, of needing three-fourths of state legislatures to approve it.

“We should have to vote on just one of them bill things – ain’t that how it works? – like I saw last week when I was watching Schoolhouse Rock, prepping for, y’know, in case I get back on any committees I got thrown off of,” Greene said. “I’d really like the judging one,” an apparent reference to Judiciary.

“I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I talked with a bunch of colleagues who said they also know things about the Constitution and told me important stuff about the gun thing that I put in when I wrote this terrific amendment.”

Among the colleagues who contributed to her final draft are Sens. Chuck Grassley, R-Methuselah, and Ron Johnson, R-Cellphone, and Reps. Lauren Boebert, R-Bandolier, Louie Gohmert, R-Slackjaw and Matt Gaetz, R-Nymphette.

The proposed 28^th Amendment reads:

A well regulated Militia consisting of two or more antisocial miscreants harboring a hatred for any race except their own and any person regardless of race including their own who was born outside of the contiguous United States or whose parents or grandparents were so born, and are for government or authority of any kind and any religion that doesn’t conform to their twisted beliefs as well as a love for living in isolation such as in a heavily wooded area or in a neighborhood of similarly psychotic people, and of any weaponry currently in existence or to be created and perfected in the future, including Jewish space lasers, being necessary to the security of a free State except for Hawaii, New York, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Maryland, Delaware, Rhode Island and Vermont which think they are free but are actually under the control of fancy suit-wearing, cross-fit hating, abortion-loving, Klan-despising, God-hating, birther-denying, migrant-welcoming, Nazi-smearing, anti-gun socialists, the right of the people to not only keep and bear arms but to use them whenever and wherever they so choose, indoors or outdoors regardless of who else is within range, shall not be infringed. Also, the right to bare arms shall not be infringed.

“I added that last sentence ’cause I like to go sleeveless and, hey, look at these guns,” Greene said, showing off her biceps. “I mean, ka-boom!”

In her application to the Supreme Court, Greene pointed out that “since y’all have made clear all yuz willingness to ignore the wishes of a vast majority of Americans when it comes to civil rights and personal protections, which is also how I feel, (the justices) should just tell the people to shut the hell up and do what we want them to do.”

Grassley, who opposed the Safer Communities Act signed into law by President Biden, said he voted against it “because how much damage can muskets do, especially when it takes like 15-20 seconds to reload them?” He also said most Hessians he meets are friendly.

Gohmert, who spends much of his time dreaming up material for television’s late-night hosts, once said he opposes limits on guns because “once you draw that limit, it’s kind of like marriage when you say ‘It’s not a man and a woman anymore; then why not have three men and one woman, or four women and one man, or why not somebody has love for an animal?’”

Gohmert said he has never changed that stance on guns and denied losing a debate to Reveille, Texas A&M’s collie mascot, during his sophomore semester, or taking a pet wombat to Green Acres Baptist Church during Christmas services.