By BRUCE LOWITT
Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady, who said Feb. 1 that he was finished playing but changed his mind on March 13, has now retired and unretired more than half a dozen times in one day.
“I know I’m probably driving Jason (Licht, the Bucs’ general manager) nuts,” Brady said Monday night, “but between family and football and other stuff, there are so many reasons I can’t make up my mind.”
The pendulum first swung back to retirement at 8:07 a.m. Monday when he called Todd Bowles, the Bucs’ new head coach, and told him, “I’m sorry, Todd, but I love Gisele (Bundchen) so much and she’s had to put up with my career in the 13 years we’ve been married. It’s time for me to spend as much time with her as she wants.”
But at 11:43 a.m. He called Bowles again. “Tom told me, and I wrote it all down,” Bowles said, “that, hold on a second, here it is, that ‘She told me to get off my ass and fix the toilet and mow the freakin’ lawn and why can’t I empty the dishwasher once in a while?’ Tom also said a few other things I can’t repeat, but he told me to ‘forget what I said this morning. I’m back,’ and he hung up.”
Twenty-seven minutes later, at 12:10 p.m., according to Licht, Brady called him and said he’d decided being a fulltime father to his three children was more important than an eighth Super Bowl ring.
At 2:16 p.m., according to licensed mental health counselor and rabid Buccaneers fan Grizel Cruz, Brady called her at Tampa Crossroads Behavior Wellness Center “and told me his kids were driving him batty. He said ‘one kid’s being really rebellious, another one has mood swings and the only thing the other one wants to to is play Artsy-Fartsy, Exploding Kittens and other stupid board games with me. I’d rather get gang-tackled than go through another day of this.’ He said that eighth Super Bowl ring was now his top priority.”
But at 3:34 p.m., in an impromptu gathering at One Buc Place, Brady told reporters, “Y’know, I’ve been looking over the roster and with Ali (Marpet, left guard) having retired and Gronk (tight end Rob Gronkowski) and (defensive tackle Ndamukong) Suh maybe not coming back and some other holes on the roster, I’m pretty sure the Bucs won’t even get to the Super Bowl. I don’t want to go out that way.
“Besides, Gronk signed us up for swing-dancing classes, so I’ll be busy with that every day,” Five minutes later Brady stepped out of the locker room and said, “Uh, I just found out Bridget Moynahan’s teaching the class, so never mind.”
In a 4:17 p.m. meeting with Clyde Christensen, Brady told the Bucs quarterback coach, “I just found out Netflix canceled The Baby-Sitters Club, one of my favorite shows. No reason for me to hang around the house.” Seven minutes later he called Christensen back. “I’m going to binge-watch Grace and Frankie. I really dig Lily Tomlin and I saw only the first season so I’ve got, like, six to go. And there’s a lot of other stuff I haven’t seen, so …”
At 4:51 p.m., Brian Woods, president of the new edition of the United States Football League, announced that he had offered Brady a one-year $50-million contract to be quarterback, general manager and part-owner of any franchise in the eight-team spring league “and that Brady said he would love to retire as champion of the first USFL World Bowl or whatever the hell we’re going to call it.”
But at 5:06 p.m., Brady’s agent, Don Yee, told The Associated Press, “Well, yeah, Tom said he was ready to sign with the USFL. However, when we ran the numbers we realized that if he cashed that $50-million check the USFL would run out of money and fold in May.”
By 5:30 p.m., Brady had departed One Buc Place, leaving a note on his locker that read, I’ll make up my mind before the draft. Plenty of time.
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