Russian President Vladimir Putin has granted FOX television host and resident quisling Tucker Carlson full Russian citizenship.
“Comrade Carlson has done at least as much for Mother Russia in the past month as Aldrich Ames and Robert Hanssen did in their decades as Soviet spies while in the American government,” Putin said in a statement. “That is why I am today making him a full Rossiyane.
“It is one thing to provide classified documents quietly and without recognition,” Putin said. “It is quite another to publicly support and promote the goals of a global adversary’s leader, as Comrade Carlson is doing and as President Donald Trump did before him. I only regret that I cannot bestow the same honor upon Comrade Trump because he is pursuing his goal of autocracy within the American government.”
The misogynistic paranoid Carlson, whose fake news, wild accusations and smarmy delivery have elevated his nightly program to the highest-rated prime-time cable news show, called Putin “one of the two finest presidents I have ever met. … This is even better than the Medal of Freedom I was supposed to get before Trump futzed around and the 2020 election screwed me out of it.”
Carlson has been attacking strong United States backing of Ukraine since Putin launched Russia’s war on its neighbor. He called the support of Ukraine by President Joseph Biden, numerous legislators including some Republicans, business leaders and much of the U.S. media “the largest flash mob in American history.”
He said “millions of people simply assumed reflexively a partisan position, which is a lot worse than the missionary position if anyone’s asking. They did it under explicit directions from White Castle and, boy, could I use some of those sliders right now. Also, has Putin ever called me a racist or claimed I’m teaching my children to embrace discrimination? No! He obviously doesn’t know me very well.”
Putin, a psychotic narcissist who rarely smiles except when posing shirtless, appeared positively giddy as he announced he was making Carlson a Герой Российской Федерации (Hero of the Russian Federation), his nation’s highest honorary title.
He also said that “whenever Comrade Carlson quits his day job – did you see I made a little joke there? – I will personally give him one of my yachts, if I have any left, and he will have his choice of an ambassadorship.
“Right now those choices are limited to Belarus, Syria, Eritrea and North Korea and maybe some ‘shithole country’ – thank you, Comrade Trump – that even I haven’t heard of,” Putin said.
“But when he decides to trade FOX for RT, our international television network, Comrade Carlson can have as many hours as he wants to tell the world whatever he wants, perhaps subject to certain, um, conditions.”
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