Mr. Rodgers’ neighborhood? Not the Green Bay Packers’ huddle

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has been suspended by National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell for the remainder of the season for taking substances banned by the league.

Rodgers, who said he had taken homeopathic remedies including Ivermectin, a horse dewormer, when he said he was immunized against COVID, admitted he also had taken Manbun and Egotism, two other unapproved medications.

“We can’t allow players to just take whatever they feel like taking without first checking with appropriate NFL medical staff or their own psychiatrists or veterinarians,” Goodell said.

“On one hand, if what Mr. Rodgers told me is true, I’m very pleased that he is now worm-free and can run a quarter of a furlong in under eight seconds. At the same time, the presence of Manbun can cause a serious negative reaction and I can say from personal experience how damaging Egotism can be.”

Rodgers said his “Manbun decision was just a one-time thing and admit I didn’t expect anybody to notice it.” When asked about Egotism, he replied, “The only reason I talk to myself is I’m the only one I prefer to listen to. And if the commissioner doesn’t like it, that’s his problem.”

As a result of the controversy surrounding his statements on being immunized and why he decided not to get vaccinated, claiming he was allergic to ingredients in mRNA vaccines, Rodgers lost an endorsement contract from a Wisconsin health care company. But he did pick up new endorsement deals from the makers of hydroxychloroquine, borax and casu martzu.

Goodell also announced decisions regarding wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr., recently traded by Cleveland to the Los Angeles Rams, because “I think he’s obnoxious no matter what city he’s in,” and Houston Texans quarterback Deshaun Jackson because “He signs a $156-million contract extension, then says he doesn’t want to play? And he’s got like twenty-something lawsuits against him? I mean, come on!”

Beckham’s penalty is a gag order for the rest of the season; Jackson’s is a fine of $1-million a day retroactive to Sept. 9, the start of the season, “and if he’s still refusing to play on Super Bowl Sunday,” Goodell said, “well, that’s right around 156 days, which should pretty much even things out, don’t you think?”

“Speaking of quarterbacks,” the commissioner continued, “Carson Wentz (Indianapolis Colts) is in the middle of a four-year, $128-million contract and Kirk Cousins (Minnesota Vikings) has a two-year, $66-million contract. I mean, Wentz? Cousins? Are you freaking kidding me?

“I’m levying some serious fines here. Not on these guys. On the morons who gave them their contracts. How the hell is the league supposed to cry poor mouth in negotiations with the players union when owners are throwing around Monopoly money?”

When asked whether he thought he was worth the roughly $128-million salary the NFL owners paid him the past two years, Goodell replied, “Excuse me, I have to take this call …”