Unrecommended reading

Republican supporters of Donald Trump, fed up with the spate of critical tell-all books by journalists and former aides of the former president, are rushing into print a series of books telling their side of the story.

“Fear, Rage, Peril, Fire and Fury, Unfit, Hoax, Disloyal, The Reckoning, A Very Stable Genius, I Alone Can Fix It, Landslide, I’ll Take Your Questions Now, and The Useful Idiot, not to mention the Dumpty books, all of them were trash, filled with lies,” said Rep. Kevin McCarthy, R-Sleazoid, whose book, Excuse Me While I Wipe My Chin, revealing his close relationship with Trump, will be released next week by Calumny Press.

The Republican leader in the House of Representatives says his book will detail not only the conversations he had with the former president, when he urged Trump to call out the National Guard “to protect our brave patriots visiting the Capitol on Jan. 6,” but also how he suggested to a morose Trump that rattling Xi Jinping by calling the Chinese president “a warmonger and whoremonger” might get enough additional Americans voters out to turn the tide of the election.

He Got Them For Me When I Needed Them (Aspersion Publications), a book by Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz, R-Trafficker, will detail how Trump boosted the economy, particularly by urging young women into the workplace. “I found President Trump’s eagerness to search out candidates for my program wholly satisfying,” Gaetz said.

Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell, R-Fossil, has two books coming out next month. Your Ceiling, My Floor (Penury Press) details how he and Trump developed an economy so successful that each American has a $906,000 share of the $139,034, 811,527,901 national debt. And Who Needs Lungs? (PneumoconiosisHouse) takes readers through Trump’s courageous battle against advocates for clean air in his quest to resurrect the coal industry.

Sen. Joni Ernst, R-Mendacity, said she is “updating” speeches she and Trump made together during his presidency, to be published as a collection in Donnie Got His Gun (Recoil Books), recalling what she called “the amazing effort he put into getting a pistol or rifle into the hands of every American.”

In a soon-to-be-released memoir by Lindsey Graham, R-Gyrate, All It Takes Is 180 Degrees: From Gold-Digger To Brown-Noser (Quisling Publishers) covers the evolution of a senator from “He’s a race-baiting, xenophobic, religious bigot,” to “Can we move forward without President Trump? The answer is no.” Graham insists the former president is “the best thing to happen to the United States since Pearl Harbor.”

Former Rep. James Sensenbrenner, R-Lockup, who didn’t run for re-election last year, praises the former president “for teaching me how to take advantage of the rules of the air,” an apparent reference to his racking up more corporate-sponsored frequent-flier miles on junkets than anyone else in Congress. Bankruptcy, Shmankruptcy (Pauper Press) celebrates, among other things, his working with the former president to deny aid to victims of hurricanes.

Trump said he looks forward to having Mike Pence read these books to him.