Family is everything – except when it’s not

Public transportation on streets around New York courthouses in lower Manhattan may experience disruptions in service in the coming months when Donald Trump and members of his family are expected to begin throwing each other under the bus.

“That’s the only way some of them are going to avoid going to prison,” New York Attorney General Letitia James said. “I can’t guarantee there’ll be tire marks on the Brioni suits of the former president, or Eric’s or Don Jr.’s schlock outfits, or any of Melania’s Dolce & Gabbana dresses, but from some of their reactions I think it’s a good bet.”

James said that when she mentioned to Trump’s sons, both executive vice presidents of the Trump Organization, that she was meeting with Allen Weisselberg, the company’s chief financial officer and money launderer, “these, um, stains started to spread on the front of the boys’ pants. It’s a dead giveaway I’ve seen on a hundred defendants who couldn’t hide their guilt.”

Slayton Shyster, recently named Eric’s lead defense attorney, and Godfrey Gonif, a member of Don Jr.’s legal team, each said his client considered family most important and nothing could change that.

“But I’ve been hearing some screwy things from some of my lawyer friends working for the ex-president,” Gonif added, “about how he’s been suggesting the kids are ‘expendable’. If that’s what Trump’s thinking, young Donald and probably Eric as well will reconsider how important it’d be to stay out of the joint and pay daddy back for all the years of love he never gave them because he gave it all to (his daughter) Ivanka.”

Ivanka Trump’s husband, Jared Kushner, facing legal problems of his own, said that unlike the Trump sons’ apparent attitude, “family is everything to me – which is why I’ll do everything in my power to protect Ivanka if the feds try to connect her to some of her dad’s phony so-called tax write-off schemes.”

Meanwhile, Weisselberg, one of Trump’s top financial executives for four decades, is the subject of federal scrutiny, as are his children.

“I know for damned sure that I’ll be serving up Donald on a silver platter,” Weisselberg said, “if it’s the only way I can keep myself and my family out of the slammer.”

Trump called all the federal and various state pursuits of his financial records and pressure on his family and corporate partners “just more witch hunts … and as soon as we get these audits and recounts sorted out and prove that I was re-elected and am still in charge, then I’ll put an end to all this – what does Sleepy Joe always say? Oh, yeah. All this malarkey.”