Want to keep picking high in the NFL Draft? Consider selecting some of these prospects

We know the big names, this year’s first-round NFL draft picks, some of whom will have great careers – and some who, like Ryan Leaf and Tony Mandarich, will quickly vanish, never living up to the hype.

Likewise, NFL teams manage to find diamonds in the rough, undrafted players who, despite being overlooked, go on to Hall-of-Fame careers like Kurt Warner and Emmitt Thomas.

We can’t predict with certainty whether any of this year’s prospects will pan out but we have a pretty good idea you’ll find a few of them playing a couple of years from now in your local beer league.

OFFENSE

QUARTERBACK – Lawrence Trevor, 6-6, 250, University of Nevada-Keno: Established his reputation as a gambling quarterback by arriving in Las Vegas in $65,000 cars and leaving in $325,000 buses. An uninhibited passer as indicated by the seven pileups he caused on the interstate last year. Single-handedly ended his team’s losing streak at 17 when he refused to throw any more games.

RUNNING BACK – Priest Sermon, 5-9, 235, Miami-Yourami: Needs only 127 credits to graduate. Once ran a naked reverse that netted 57 yards and three marriage proposals. Majored in calling home collect.

WIDE RECEIVER – Marshall Balcony Jr., 6-7, 215, University of New Jersey-Cosa Nostra: Had his biggest day against Mexico City State when he caught 10 passes and three diseases. Nicknamed “Gluefingers” by his teammates after they found their wallets in his locker. A four-letter man which distresses his mother greatly.

TIGHT END – Pat “Filthy” Mouth, 6-6, 265, Iowa-Bundle: “The most amazing tight end I’ve ever seen,” coach Gribinis said, “especially during finals.” Said he refused to go to college on a scholarship because he gets seasick. Wears No. 10 because he can’t count any higher.

CENTER – Humphrey “Creedence” Clearwater, 5-10, 190, Iona-Condo: Overshadowed most of his career by better-known linemen, lesser-known linemen and his kid sister. No longer says, “Here it comes, ready or not,” before snapping the ball. Has trouble if the count runs longer than one.

GUARD – Alex “Leatherface” Woods, 6-5, 347, University of Boise-Girlsie: Once flattened two defensive tackles and a linebacker while exiting the locker room through the wrong door. Majored in marketing until learning it meant more than weekly trips to Trader Joe’s. “Could be a real sleeper. In fact, I wish he was,” his fiancee said.

OFFENSIVE TACKLE – Christian “Texas” Chainsaw, 6-8, 275, Northeast Central University: Began his college career at Southwest Northern College, transferred to Central Western State as a sophomore, then to Mid-Eastern Coastal Tech. It’s been three years and the airlines still haven’t found his luggage. Majored in geography.

DEFENSE

EDGE – Mitch “Kitty” Payne, 6-5, 250, College of Maui-Waui: Had team-high 17 sacks in his senior year, including three QB kills. Smoked four packs a day for a month after his coach told him to concentrate on stunting. Says he wants to be an NFL player in the worst way and probably will be.

DEFENSIVE TACKLE – Onwuzurike “Tuipulotu” Odighizuwa-Smith, 6-5, 310, Cal Poly-Urethane: Once sacked a quarterback so hard they became engaged. Holds the state record for sacks set while working as a bag boy at a neighborhood grocery. Calls himself “Icebox” because he can’t spell “Refrigerator.”

LINEBACKER – Monty “Rice” Krispies, 6-4, 248, Alabama AB&C: When told to work on his red-dogging techniques he bought a litter of Irish setters. Attempted to play middle linebacker in a 3-4 alignment, leading to schizophrenia in his sophomore season. His strongest move is right to left except when reading Hebrew.

CORNERBACK – J. C. “French” Hoarn, 6-2, 213, Casaba-Mellon: Said he would have scored higher in his SAT if he’d been able to spell it. When told to protect against the bootleg he burned down nine stills in Kentucky. His sense of direction resulted in eight interceptions returned for safeties.

SAFETY – Andre “Cisco” Kidd, 6-0, 195, SMUT: “He was the key to our defense,” coach Blemish said after the kid lied to NCAA investigators. Could be a real sleeper in the pros based on his classroom habits. Took him two years to figure a blitz isn’t a Jewish crepe.

SPECIALISTS

KICK RETURNER-PUNT RETURNER – Hokie “Pokey” Harrison, 6-0, 178, Hawaii-Finethanks: “He puts his left foot in, he takes his left foot out, that’s how he avoids tackles and that’s what it’s all about,” coach Shake Itallabout said.

PUNTER – Ryan Brickhouse, 5-8, 200, Drecksel: Once kicked out the lights of his high school football field and punched out the lights of his college special-teams coach. Turned down a scholarship to Colgate because he wears dentures.

PLACEKICKER – Jake “Trustbutt” Verify, 5-5, 122, Georgia-Onmymind: Dropped from the soccer team because he couldn’t avoid using his hands around the cheerleaders. Became a place-kicker after three years as a reserve Rockette at Radio City Music Hall. When asked at tryout camp if he wanted a tee he replied, “No, but I’d like to buy a vowel and solve the puzzle.”