The biggest waste of footage since the invention of the centipede

As happens every year, there are films passed over for Oscar nominations by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, some of which are deserving of consideration.

Then there are movies no one should ever even think of seeing – and you can thank your lucky stars if you didn’t accidentally view any of these cinematic catastrophes that might have made it into your local multiplex.

NO-MAN LAND: Dozens of politicians on the wrong side of history gather at a crumbling country club-turned-fast food restaurant in Palm Beach, Florida, to bemoan the fact that they don’t have the courage or principles to oppose a failed presidential candidate. The drama increases as he threatens to destroy what’s left of their reputations as well as his own. (Language)

ONE NIGHT IN ATLANTA: A cabal led by the governor of Georgia gathers in his office to, as the ringleaders put it, “stop the steal,” when they’re actually plotting to steal the votes of millions of their constituents. The plot backfires when outraged citizens tar and feather them and run them out of town on a rail. (Constitutional deviancy)

BOEBERT SUBSEQUENT MOVIEFILM: A Colorado congresswoman tries to make a name for herself by pretending she’s a brain-damaged refugee from a chemical-testing monkey farm, but her party doesn’t realize she’s kidding and puts her on the Second Amendment Caucus, where she proceeds to shoot up a board meeting. (Violence)

THE TRIAL OF THE WASHINGTON 7: Cabinet members who had no business being appointed to their posts and spent their time in office dismantling and destroying what they were supposed to protect are hauled before a tribunal and … well, we won’t give away the ending except to say what goes around comes around. (Floods, fires, droughts, animal extinctions, illiteracy)

BARR AND STARR GO TO VISTA DEL MAR-A-LAGO: A pair of aging unlucky-in-ethics lawyers jet to Palm Beach for some fun in the sun and have an island fling with a strangely tangerine-hued local. They develop real feelings for their new man – but will their superior intelligence, greater mastery of the native language and a volcano of subpoenas ruin the relationship? (Excessive cravat length, extreme pomposity)

HILLBILLY EULOGIES: A documentary recounting the political histories of Louie Gohmert, Tommy Tuberville, Lindsey Graham, Tom Cotton, Thom Tillis and other Civil War reenactors whose main goal in life was to make the crow the official bird of the south. (English subtitles)

PROMISING YOUNG WOMEN: A Florida congressman promises underage girls he’ll provide them with cash, drugs and romantic out-of-state getaways if they’ll have sex with him and let him photograph them in their birthday suits. Also mistakes presidential beach blankets for blanket pardons. A failed senatorial candidate from an adjoining state implies that the congressman’s teenage dates are too old for him. (Nudity, excessive whining)

THE MAN WHO SOLD HIS SOUL: A retrospective on the life of Fox broadcaster and reactionary mouthpiece Tucker Carlson, who never met a lie he couldn’t promote, a truth he couldn’t deny and a guest he couldn’t trash. Filmed in Techniwhite. (Smirking, racial stereotyping, occasional ejaculation)

MAYBE SOMETIMES, HONEST RARELY, TRUTHFUL NEVER, ALWAYS MILLER: A fickle Maine senator and a White House vampire face an imaginary army of Central American zombies and attempt to turn them back by blaming them for everything bad since the arrival of immigrants on the Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria, the Mayflower, the Lusitania and (they insist) the Titanic. (Capricious incontinence)

THE WHITE TIGRESS: The biography of Marjorie Taylor Greene. R-Alabaster, whose racist views and support of QAnon theories had Republicans wishing she’d just go away and stay there. After losing in her bid for reelection she winds up as a cashier at an Asian spa. (Stalking, military-grade weaponry, moral indifference)

I’M THINKING OF ENDING EVERYTHING: A bankrupt former United States president agonizes over the possibility that he’ll spend the rest of his life in prison. (Racism, fascism, narcissism, profanity, continuous lying, more fascism, stupidity, nepotism, xenophobia, antisemitism, despotism, obesity, excessive flatulence, even more fascism, dancing)