Time is on Collins’ side – but which side?

With more parents, teachers, politicians and other children choosing up sides on whether to “spring forward” and “fall back,” changing our clocks twice a year, Sen. Susan Collins, R-Wishywashy, has submitted a bill which she said will satisfy people on both sides of the argument.

“I call it the Sunrise-Moonlight Preservation Act,” the extraordinarily indecisive legislator told colleagues. “Instead of 34 weeks of one thing each year and, uh – how many does that leave? – of the other, we should compromise.

“I say we change our clocks by half an hour right now and leave them that way,” Collins said. “No more daylight savings time, no more standard time, just, uh, one right-in-the-middle time all year. I’ll figure out a name for it later.”

While several senators rushed to assist Sen. Bernie Sanders, I-Gotcha, who had spilled a bowl of hot chicken soup in his lap upon hearing Collins’ proposal, several others immediately rose to co-sponsor her bill.

“I think it’s a great idea and I suggest we call it Great American Time,” Sen. Tommy Tuberville, R-Facemask, said. “We’ll set the standard for the world and if the world doesn’t like it, well, screw ’em.”

“You can’t call it American Time,” Sen. John Kennedy, R-Sleazyana, protested. “Them’s Americans in Mexico and all them other countries down there, not to mention Canada. Call it United States Time – U.S. Time for short, like ‘us’ time.”

Sen. Marco Rubio, R-Shill, is a proponent of year-round Daylight Savings Time. But opponents of his Sunshine Protection Act stressed that parents driving their children to school or going to work early would be doing so in darkness, with the likelihood of more automobile accidents.

To which Sen. John Cornyn, R-Nofault, responded, “I think it’s a great policy, if you know what I mean.”

Sen. Joni Ernst, R-Cabal, said she understood that “Marco (Rubio), with his so-called Sunshine Act, wants the ‘Great Awakening’ to start an hour earlier. I think even Susan (Collins) secretly believes half an hour is too early.”

Rep. Louie Gohmert, R-Yuckmouth, started to say, “Yeah, but that half hour …” before he was shouted down by senators pointing out he’d gotten lost again and had wandered into the wrong side of the Capitol.