The latest developments since the U.S. Senate acquitted Donald J. Trump, former president, of incitement of insurrection in the wake of the storming of the Capitol by thousands of his supporters:
Sen. Mitch McConnell, R-Vacillate, was sequestered with aides, combing through the U.S. Constitution as well as Senate rules to determine if he could legally change his vote from not guilty to guilty with an explanation in order to play both sides against the middle and preserve whatever might be left of his reputation. “We know Donald wasn’t actually guilty of incitement of insurrection,” McConnell said, “but at the same time we know he really was guilty as hell, and, um, wait a minute …”
Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-Sycophant, formally announced his plan to run for Senate Minority Leader by figuratively stomping on McConnell’s political grave. “If the ol’ turtle can’t uneqalive-, can’t inevaqu-, can’t uneqivi- … if he can’t clearly support our current president, Donald J. Trump, he has no business respersen-, repisen-, reprensen- … no business leading our party,” Graham said.
Sen. Marco Rubio, R-Pussyfoot, disclosed he and his wife Jeanette have filed papers to formally adopt Ivanka Trump. “We feel the children of immigrants deserve all the support they can use to save them from a life of crime and corruption,” he said. “I know firsthand how terrible it can be and we don’t want little Ivanka to succumb to it.”
Rep. Josh Hawley, R-Berko, said he has formed an exploratory committee to determine whether he can be a viable 2024 presidential candidate either as a Republican or as leader of the recently formed Insurrectionist Party. “One way or another I’m going to take control,” Hawley said as The Plague, his proposed campaign song from the Guns n’ Roses album Appetite for Destruction, played in the background.
Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Coven, said she has been cast in the Bette Midler role of Winifred Sanderson in a remake of the 1993 film Hocus Pocus, and has been invited by director William Friedkin to audition for Linda Blair’s role of Regan in a sequel to his 1973 classic The Exorcist.
Criminal Defense attorney David Schoen filed a civil suit against Trump, claiming non-payment for legal services after the former president said Schoen had used “specious religious shenanigans to abandon me during my greatest time of need.” In a related development, Schoen has signed with Serenity Treatment Center of Frederick, Md., for anger management counseling.
Ambulance Chaser Michael Van der Veen, returning to Philadelphia after his rabid, vitriolic defense of Trump, was run over by a police cruiser in Doylestown, Pa., while he was chasing an ambulance.
lowittlowdown 